No Witty Title Here

prevDec. 11, 2005 - 10:46 p.m.next

Was sick for a whole week...had the flu for seriously 7 days. And had shows on 5 of those...2 shows on one of the days. Stayed in bed for the whole weekend of San Francisco, so that was a bust. Missed out on seeing Reed because I was so out of it when I was in Pasadena.

I found a great place to live in Greensboro, but before I knew it, 4 cats where living there with the 3 other people. So no moving into that place. Now I still have to find something quickly and move in before the year is out. Man, I seem distracted or something...this posting sucks.

Still not doing well with the Melanie situation. My heart hurts so much. What is also hurting is the realization that she's not going through any of this. Somehow when she decided in July to leave me, she seemed to move on pretty quickly. Not move onto someone else but move on from me. Soon after getting to Alaska, I realized (for the first time of wording it to myself) that I was in love with Mel. I had loved her for some time, but I realized I was IN love with her...but I don't think I ever told her that, did I? No, because I felt her slipping away from almost the second week in Alaska. And what I realized recently (what I've been having such a hard time with lately) was I don't think she was in love with me. She loved me, I know that. I will never doubt that. But she wasn't IN love with me. The summer before, right when I decided I wanted to actually commit to something, she wanted to be apart. Then, when I realized I was in love with her, she was moving away from me day by day.

Maybe our relationship wasn't always the best. Hell, I know the biggest problem we had was lack of communication. But I loved her. And I was in love with her. And knowing that it wasn't always the best doesn't make my heart hurt any less.

God, I miss her.

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