It Gets MUUCH Better at the End!

prevOct. 25, 2005 - 11:43 a.m.next

Just did something really odd. For some reason or another I ended up on my last page of emails in Hotmail and I started reading from oldest to newest, but only the ones from Mel. It's so wierd to watch the transition we went through. They started back in April of 2003 when we had just started talking again after tour. Then there was the whole Katy situation where I really hurt Mel by jumping into something else so quickly. Of course, I ended up leaving Katy to move up to PA with Mel and there was all that confusion. It's funny because I knew where I was living by the gaps in the emails from her. There are like none for spring of 2004 because we lived together. Then comes the fall of 2004 and all that mess. Her being in Charleston and us arguing back and forth over phone calls and emails. Then there was the turn around in spring of this year when we were going to Alaska together. It's odd, I noticed something I'd never seen before: I talked about moving to NYC with her after AK and she had a number of reasons to talk me away from it. Granted, they were actual reasons (me needing to go back to school, $$$), but reading it with hindsight, I just wonder if she knew even in May that it wasn't going to last that long.

There's more I want to say, stuff about my trip to NYC, but I can't really wrap my head around it all right now. There have been times where my mind and my heart fought each other, times where they agreed, but right now it feels like one, if not both, of them went somewhere...like on vacation or something. It's like I'm searching for a piece of something and it's just not there. I can' figure something out, but I don't even know what that thing is. I don't know what I feel or what I think right now. Anita and I have gone out a couple times but she's really scared that this isn't the time for it. That it's too soon with the whole Mel situation. I'm slightly inclined to agree, but how can you not leap when the jump is there? Anita is such an amazing woman and if I don't date her, how do I know I'd ever get to in the future? Should a person actually even think about it that way? She and I just seem to fit so well that there's this part of me that thinks we're "right." But this other part of me is still reeling from the blows I've taken. And then there's that part that's on holiday and hasn't checked in to see what's going on and put its two-cents worth in.

The trip to NYC wasn't the best idea. I was fine with our situation before going up there. I had a month to be alone and be friends with her. Then we were thrust back together and everything came back. I realized I had a LOT of jealousy when it comes to her. But that's to be expected, right? I think so. It takes a looooong time to go from lovers to friends and be fully comfortable with friends. A month was not enough. Of course, in another month, I'll be back to where I was before, right? And then a month from that even further. And then more and more...I guess that's how it goes. The biggest plus we have going for us in that trek is that we won't see each other. We didn't really need NYC, but at least we won't be repeating it.

Soon to come, I will actually talk about the trip itself. The shows we saw and the events of the week. All the above aside, it was an amazing trip and in reality I'm glad I went. Just to give you a few hints as a teaser: I could see the stubble on Bono's chin, I could see the lines in the face paint of a Blue Man, I could see that 5 shots of vodka the Russian way is not a bad thing, and I could see the whites of David's eyes... as we talked. There you go. Stay tuned.

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