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How to Look AUTHORIZED in 3 Easy Steps!

prevOct. 24, 2003 - 6:59 p.m.next

I've spent the past two days (counting today) painting The Study. Study, my ass. The Computer/Retarded Dog Room is more like it. Or Jeremy's Home Except for Those Few Hours Where He Goes to Bed. That would work. Anyway, painting in late October in the Foothills of North Carolina isn't always the best idea. Why? Because of the ventilation issue. (Which is a GREAT issue! I read it 4 times already) I have the windows open and a fan blowing...and I'm already cold-natured. And painting with a roller isn't really a cardiovascular activity. So pretty much I stay cold all day. Only at night, oddly enough, when I get dressed to go out, do I finally warm up a tad.

Going to see The Hulk tonight for free. I love living in a college town where most of my friends are students. I get to see movies for free, bowl for free, go to football games for free. All I have to do is walk in like I belong there.

On a side note: some time back, I found the secret of being some place that you aren't supossed to be: walk quickly and look straight ahead as if you know where you're going. In other words, LOOK like you are supossed to be there. If someone is passing towards you, make eye-contact and nod slighty, but then look ahead again. And walk quickly; I mentioned that. Walk like you have somewhere you're going and you have to get there soon.

When you walk slowly or look around at things, you draw attention to the fact that you have no idea where you are. If you have to read signs on doors, do it with your eyes only. DO NOT turn your head! That shows that you don't know where it is that you are going.

HOW I FOUND OUT

  • One day I was in a hospital. I was told to go from one department to another. By way of the signs, I realised it would be quite a hike, pretty much in a U-shape. Then I saw a door that I knew would take me right to the other side of the hospital, where I needed to be. The door was of course marked Authorized Personel Only, so I opened it. I walked quickly down the hallway (NOT a 'running' quickly! Good God, we don't want to seem like security is chasing us, okay?) and nodded curtly to the few people that I encountered. I happened to be carrying paperwork, which brings me to the 3rd hint of being non-authorized: if you can have a clipboard with you, you're golden! Untouchable! Anyway, I had to make a couple of turns down hallways, where I perfected my "read with eyes only" ability. Come to a turn and KNOW whether you are supossed to go down that hall or not. The trick is, you've GOT to look like you make this trip a hundred times a week. I finally came out of my tresspa--I mean, journey into the exact department that I needed.

    So, Look straight ahead (except for the nods), walk quickly (but NO running!), and carry a clipboard if you can... or at least a stack of papers. Now start looking important!

    the preceeding tips do not work in the Pentagon...trust me

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